Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
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If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My teenage children choosing violence
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.