It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
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Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.