*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?