What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Krampus.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Squirrels before girls.