Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope