Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
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Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street