Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
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Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
very niche meme I made
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.