HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
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I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Morning.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
SCARY COSTUME
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”