*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.