I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
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Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking