Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
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Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power