Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe