Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
this is the news I live for
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”