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Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Safety first
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
sleeping beauty
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
True
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…