God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
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*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in