Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”