I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
“The Perfect Relationship”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.