I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
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Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no