When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
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Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Coffee for people with no kids
What a kind woman! 😂😂
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
These work great until they don’t.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.