Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.