Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
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To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
sugar glider wrangler
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!