[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
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going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.