My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
this is funnier than any friends episode
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”