My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end