If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
The only equipped I am is ill.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”