My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
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Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
that’s really how it is
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it