[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
definitely did not do anything wrong
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
North and South
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.