“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
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He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
grotesque if literal: baby food
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Chicken bread
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”