[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day