Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
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Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.