Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
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[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.