idk flipping houses looks really hard
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My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.