I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.