Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
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olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.