when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
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PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”