Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
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People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses