It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
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HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.