It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
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Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”