I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
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Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Festive toon…
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”