Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
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I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Breaking news:
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.