My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure