2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
☠️☠️☠️
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.