Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.