DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
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Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.