if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
You Might Also Like
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”