Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
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me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.