There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I’ve had worse
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me