If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder