[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
You Might Also Like
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.