Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
mariah carrie
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
i choose….tongue
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”